LIVE, FROM
NEW YORK . . .
IT'S ROB LOWE!!
On Saturday, March 17, 1990 Rob hosted Episode 15 of Saturday Night Live during Season 15 of the
skit comedy show. This was Rob's first time hosting SNL.
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Host
Rob Lowe
Guest Stars
The Pogues
Gary Newton
Cameos
Joe Dicso
Conan O'Brien
Terry Turner
Bob Odenkirk
Sketches Included
George Bush/Rob Lowe, Irish Drinking Songs, Church Chat,
Governor Hammond, Sprockets, German Clearasil, Governor Harbaugh,
Arsenio Beckman Show, Lambada Prison, Helmet Head, Randy X, and
Alexander's Fur World.
The Pogues performed "White City" and "Body of an American".
Cast
Phil Hartman
Jon Lovitz
Jan Hooks
Victoria Jackson
Nora Dunn
Kevin Nealon
Dana Carvey
Dennis Miller
Mike Myers
A. Whitney Brown
Don Pardo
Recurring Roles
Lorne Michaels
Chevy Chase
ROB LOWE'S MONOLOGUE
Rob Lowe
Jon Lovitz
[Rob receives no applause as he steps onto Home Base to deliver his
monologue]
Rob Lowe: Thank you. Thank you. [uneasy] Thank you.
[sudden enthusiasm It's great to be here, hosting Saturday Night
Live!
Voice in Audience: [angry] You've got a lot of nerve!
I have a daughter!
Rob Lowe: [confident] No! Actually, I'm glad
that this has come up, I - the incident, to which the gentleman is referring, is
an unfortunate situation, and . . . I regret it, it's been, uh . . . it's been very
difficult for me. But I've learned something. That, through . . . with experiences
like this, you can really find the value and the loyalty of your friends. And . . .
I found out that I do have a lot of friends . . .
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Voice in Audience: We're not your friends!
Second Voice in Audience: I've got a daughter!
Rob Lowe: Well . . . Uh . . . we've got a great show tonight! Our musical guest,
all the way from Ireland - we've got the Pogues! [audience is silent] Aw, come on . . .
don't hold it against them - they didn't do anything! I mean, they don't even
know me! [silence] Aw, come on! It's Saint Patrick's Day! [silence]
Well . . . anyway . . . we'll be right back . . .
Jon Lovitz: [steps up to help] Rob.
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Rob Lowe: Jon.
Jon Lovitz: Rob, why don't you just go change for the next sketch? I'll handle
this.
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Rob Lowe: Alright. I guess you're right . . . [glumly walks away]
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Jon Lovitz: [to audience, excited] Okay! The Pogues are here!
[audience cheers] We'll be right back!
SKITS
President Bush Doesn't Gloat / Rob Lowe Worries
Rob Lowe
Lorne Michaels
Dana Carvey
Kevin Nealon
Victoria Jackson
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[open to President George Bush delivering a message to the nation from the
Oval Office]
George Bush: Good evening. You know, a few months
ago, we all witnessed the Revolution of '89. The fall of that Berlin Wall doing
that falling thing over there. Democracy across Eastern Europe. Now, there were
those at that juncture who said, "We won the Cold War - time to gloat!"
But I said no. Gloating wouldn't be prudent. Not gonna gloat. Naah . . . gaahh . . .
gloat. Just look at the dividends "not gloating" has paid: the Soviet Free
Market System, adopted; Nicaragua, Mr. Ortega, gone! Gone! Replaced by
Mrs. Chemoro, wife of slain national hero down there - widow woman, not
unattractive. Available. Lithuania, independent over there. All
because I didn't gloat! Could gloat now. Easily justified: 80% approval
rating. It's good! Most popular person ever.
[cut to Rob Lowe's dressing room]
Lorne Michaels: Rob, you wanted to see me?
Rob Lowe: Lorne, I'm sorry, I know it's the last minute, but I've just got this weird, scary feeling.
Lorne Michaels: What about?
Rob Lowe: Well, you know, this is the first time I've been
in front of an audience since . . . you know . . . the thing.
Lorne Michaels: What thing?
Rob Lowe: Well . . . you know . . . the tape thing, you know . . .
and . . . what if I go out there, and the people resent me?
Lorne Michaels: Because of the tape? Will they even remember it?
Rob Lowe: Oh, yeah, you know . . . I think they might . . .
[Kevin Nealon and Victoria Jackson enter]
Kevin Nealon: You busy?
Lorne Michaels: No. Kevin, Vic . . . come in. Rob's a little
concerned that the audience might be thinking about that tape incident in Atlanta.
Kevin Nealon: Really?
Rob Lowe: Yeah. Maybe they'll think I'm some sort of, I don't know . . .sleaze . . .
or a low-life.
Kevin Nealon: Wait a minute. You're worried that Mr. Joe
Average American is thinking about that? I promise you, if they ever heard of
the tape, they've forgotten about it a long time ago. Nobody cares.
Rob Lowe: Really? You really think so?
Kevin Nealon: People are watching the show tonight wondering what we're going to
do with St. Elmo's Fire or Oxford Blues. They're not tuning in to see us
commenting on your personal sex life. That's none of their business, and they know it.
Lorne Michaels: I think he's right, Rob. Vic, you've been pretty quiet. What do you
think? Is the tape thing a problem?
Victoria Jackson: I think the tape helps you . . . I mean, if enough people
know about it.
Rob Lowe: Wait a minute . . . so, if I go out there, that
audience isn't going to treat me like I'm some kind of jerk?
Lorne Michaels: Why should they? You're Rob Lowe.
Rob Lowe: [confident] You're right! You know what? I feel a little foolish even
worrying. In fact . . . I'm psyched!
[cut back to George Bush addressing the nation]
George Bush: So, to sum up: gloating: too soon, maybe
later; Mrs. Chemoro: available; Dan Quayle: gaining acceptance at a faster rate;
Ortega: gone, but still, Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!
Church Chat
Rob Lowe
Dana Carvey
Announcer: And now, it's time for "Church Chat", with the Church Lady.
Church Lady: Hello. I'm the Church Lady, and this is "Church
Chat". Well, well, well . . . Happy St. Patrick's Day to you all. St. Patrick's Day,
what does it mean? A harmless Irish tradition? Or a chance for people to
fornicate like drunken little Beastmasters? But we don't have time to talk about
that delicious subject, because we have a very special guest. For almost two
years, this young man has been a knot in my corset and a hair in my Cream of
Wheat. So, will you please welcome Rob Lowe.
[Rob Lowe steps onto the set and smugly sits down on the couch]
Well. Rob Lowe, in the flesh. I could reach out and touch you, but I'm not going to do that.
Well, welcome to the show, Rob.
Rob Lowe: Thank you, Church Lady. It's good to be here.
Church Lady: I guess it is. Just settle down, dear. Just
relax. We have lots to talk about. Now, we talked before the show, Rob
and I, just so you know . . . and his attorneys were present, and we all agreed that
we would avoid discussing certain sensitive subjects, and stick only to a list
of approved topics. Isn't that right, Robbie?
Rob Lowe: That's right, Church Lady. You know, I really appreciate it.
Church Lady: That's quite alright. After all, you are my little guest. My very special
guest. [holds up list of approved subjects] Now, let's see . . . you have a new
movie out. What is the name of it?
Rob Lowe: Bad Influence.
Church Lady: What a lovely little title!
Rob Lowe: Well, you know . . . I'm happy with it. It's gotten
some very good reviews. I play a villain, which is a stretch different for me,
and the critics seemed to like it.
Church Lady: [contemplating] Let's see . . . so the critics thought you were
believable in the role of an evil, bad demonic villain from Hell. How wonderful for you, dear.
Rob Lowe: Well . . . it was a different role for me.
Church Lady: I'm sure it was quite a stre-e-etch! Very, very different. Just
unlike anything.. Okay, now I rented a few of your films this week, just
to familiarize myself with you . . . body of work . . . oh! Excuse me! I
mean career . . . oops! I said "rear." I'm sorry. I'm just having trouble
sticking to our little agreement! Well, anywa . . . I was watching Hotel New
Hampshire, and I noticed that you frequently expose your TNP. [SUPER: "Tingly
Naughty Parts"]
Rob Lowe: [confused] My TNP? What are you talking about?
Church Lady: Oh, come on, Rob. We agreed that we
wouldn't use those words. I'm just pointing out that quite often your fans, in
your films, see your young firm, lily-white B&B. [SUPER:"Bulbous Buttocks"]
There it is, big and large, throbbing U&D, U&D . . . [SUPER: "Up and
Down"] . . . T&R, T&R . . . [SUPER: "Thrusting and Releasing"] Well . . . I'm
glad that we had a chance to talk about your movie. So, what else did we agree
to talk about . . . let's see . . . favorite foods? Pets? Acrylic blends vs. cotton -
which do you prefer, Rob?
Rob Lowe: Oh, cotton. Definitely.
Church Lady: It breathes, doesn't it? It just
breathes, yes. Well, that covers our list of agreed topics. I've kept my end of
the bargain, are you ready to keep yours?
Rob Lowe: Yes. Yes, I am.
Church Lady: Alrighty . . . [pulls a paddle out of her desk]
Well, well, wel . . . this is a wonderful piece of equipment. It's Honduran
mahagony, Robbie. Take a little touch there . . . [Rob feels it] Oh, isn't that
nice? [gets up and paces in front of Rob] It was crafted in Spain by an old
man with one tooth in his head. He was a charming fellow. Helen couldn't believe
the price I got. Are you ready to assume your position, Robbie?
Rob Lowe: [confident] Yes, Church Lady, I am. [gets up and bends over in
front of the Church Lady]
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Church Lady: Alrighty. I just need to
warm up a little bit. [swings the paddle back and forth for adjustment] And 1,
and 2, and 3 and 4. And 1, and 2, and 3 and 4. Alright, I feel good now. Here we
go, Robbie. [swings paddle and smacks Rob on the butt]
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Rob Lowe: Thank you, Church Lady! May I have another! [Church Lady smacks him again]
Thank you, Church Lady! May I have another!
Church Lady: [bends down and yells into Rob's butt ] Don't you ever, ever,
ever do that again! Get out of his buttocks, Satan! Leave his buttocks! Leave his buttocks,
Satan! Satan! Satan! Satan! Satan! [continues to repeatedly smack Rob's butt
until she grows weary and flops upon the couch] Ohhh . . . I have waited so
long for tha . . . so many sleepless nights . . . You feel better, Robbie?
Rob Lowe: Oh, yeah. [leans against the leg of the couch]
Church Lady: I know I do. Oh, goodness. Now in celebration of
your new lease, you may do the Superior Dance with me. Hit it, Pearl!
[Church Lady and Rob Lowe stand up and do the Superior Dance for the audience]
Announcer: This has been "Church Chat", with the Church Lady.
The Arsenio Beckman Show
Rob Lowe
Linda Blair
Victoria Jackson
Announcer: It's time for "The Arsenio Beckman Show", starring Arsenio
Beckman. Tonight, Arsenio's guest are: from The Exorcist, actress Linda Blair;
and hot vinyl recording artist, Kool Ice Kold Soda. And now, let's bang a gong,
come on everybody, shake that groove thing for your party maestro,
Arsenio-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o Beckman!
[Arsenio steps out to his overly excited crowd, performing a series of weird chants to
hype the audience up]
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Arsenio Beckman: I tell ya, man . . . this is better than doin' the
Wild Thing! [audience screams excitedly] That's my gang over
there! That's my gang over there! Man . . . you know . . . there is some
wild stuff goin' on out there! [audience screams] Did you hear what
happened . . . on the news today? [audience screams] I mean . . . yeah . . .
yeah . . . that was crazy, the news. You know what else? How about the way . . .
how about the way people dance, you know? [Arsenio and his audience demonstrate the
funny way people danc ] These people know what I'm talking about! Oh, that's right! Come
on, give it up! Stand up! Give it up! [the audience stands up and chants with
Arsenio] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! People at home are saying . . . [tenses up] . . . . What
thing. Can we put it up there?
[show headline: "Human Toothpick To Marry" - audience screams]
Arsenio Beckman: Now.. we've got a most wonderful show. A
sexy, sexy lady . . . Linda Blair! [audience screams] And some guys that I
know . . . I've been talking to them backstage - and I know you know who they are,
because I've been talkin' to them backstage - let's give it up for Kool Ice
Kold Soda! [audience screams] Okay! We've got a good one go-in', so
let's . . . get . . . row-in'! [Arsenio takes his seat at his chair next to the sofa]
Arsenio Beckman:Before I get started, I gotta take care of some business now.
I am not trying in any way to take anything away from Arsenio Hall. You know? I mean,
Arsenio - man - he's the best! I mean, he set the standard . . . he . . . uh . . .
he showed the way! But I can't be Arsenio Hall - I can only be
Arsenio Beckman! And, besides, I've got my own party goin'! [audience
screams] Okay! Okay! We're gonna bring her out now! Won't you please, please . . .
I'm gettin' a little excited here! [audience screams] But not that
little! [laughs with his screaming audience, the lies sideways across his
chair, eliciting more screams from the bouncing audience] Okay, okay! She's a
sexy, sexy lady! Let's clean it out for Linda Blair! [Linda struts across the
stage and sits on the sofa across from Arsenio] Ah, yes, yes, yes, oh yes,
Linda! Linda Blair, yes, oh yes! [touches her knee You did a movie - The
Exoricst. Great film, great motion picture! Now, what . . . what was it like
to be possessed?
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Linda Blair: I don't know. Why don't you possess me, and find out?
[audience screams and jumps in the aisle]
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Arsenio Beckman: [blushing] Oh, man! No, no, no, no . . . I like
your outfit, but I gotta say one thing - it doesn't look too comfortable
there!
[audience screams, starts tossing one another in the air]
Linda Blair: I'd probably be more comfortable on the floor. [sits on the floor,
audience screams]
Arsenio Beckman: Well, then, that's just fine. I'll just lay like this, how's this?
[lays on floor next to her with legs in the air, audience screams] Now, I heard . . .
somewhere . . . somebody was saying something about you doin' a film with somebody or
somethin' . . . what's that all about?
Linda Blair: Well, I just did a film, that's coming out, called Revenge of the Nerds IV.
Arsenio Beckman: Yeah, yeah . . . nerds.. yeah . . . 'Cause that's what I've been
talking about is, you know, nerds, and the way people dance, you know? Some people, you
know, they dance like this . . . [demonstrates a nerdy dance, as the audience screams and
joins in]
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Announcer: Don't leave your seat, we'll be right back
with more Arsenio-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o Beckman!
[fade to black]
MORE SNL
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