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Rob Lowe: I . . . I . . . I just don't know. Uh . . . I have had the privilege of spending
time with the First Lady, and she is a really smart, articulate woman, and a very tough
campaigner. [points to audience member] Yes?
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Man #2 In Audience: Uh . . . I have a question about Vice-President Al Gore.
Rob Lowe: Oh . . . go ahead.
Man #2 In Audience: His daughters are hot.
Rob Lowe: That's not a question.
Man #2 In Audience: Oh. Okay. Which one of his daughters do you think's the hottest?
Rob Lowe: Well, you know, that is actually totally irrelevant . . . Karenna. Karenna, she's
very hot! [points to woman in audience] Yes?
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Woman #1 In Audience: I'm a huge fan of The West Wing
Rob Lowe: Thank you very much!
Woman #1 In Audience: And I was so excited when they won nine Emmys. How many did you win?
Rob Lowe: [pause] None.
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Woman #1 In Audience: Oh. Well . . . it's still an honor to be nominated.
Rob Lowe: I wasn't nominated.
Woman #1 In Audience: Well. . . working with so many talented actors
. . . is a reward in itself.
Rob Lowe: Yes. [points to audience member]
Man #3 In Audience: Uh . . . my question isn't about your show The
West Wing, it's about the actual West Wing in the White House.
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Rob Lowe: Oh! Oh, I think maybe I can help you, because the set
that we shoot on is an exact replica of the West Wing.
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Man #3 In Audience: Oh, great. Now, is the room where they blow the president located
in the West Wing, or down the hall?
Rob Lowe: [shakes head] I really don't know . . . you know, we have a great show tonight -
Eminem is here, so wake up the kids!
SKITS
Ralph Nader Backstage
Rob Lowe
Ralph Nader
Lorne Michaels
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Rob & Ralph Nader
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[Lorne Michaels is trapped backstage in a conversation with Ralph Nader]
Ralph Nader: Lorne, I don't understand why you won't let me be in the debate sketch.
Lorne Michaels: If you had been in the real debate - maybe . . .
Ralph Nader: Where's your sense of fairness?
Lorne Michaels: Maybe if you're in the next debate . . .
[Rob Lowe passes through the hall, Lorne grabs his arms]
Lorne Michaels: Rob!
Rob Lowe: [stops] Yeah?
Lorne Michaels: You two know each other, don't you?
Rob Lowe: [excited] Oh, yeah! [shakes Ralph's hand] Hey. Good to see you. How are you?
[Lorne quietly walks off]
Ralph Nader: That episode on the death penalty was right on the money. You know,
there are no statuatory criminal penalties for manufacturing a defective
automobile dangerous to life . . .
[slow zoom to Rob's head]
Rob Lowe's Inner Voice: Who is this guy? Should I know him? Lorne
knows him, so that means he must be famous. Wait a minute . . . was he in St. Elmo's
Fire? [Ralph continues to ramble] He sounds smart. He couldn't have been in
St. Elmo's Fire. Damn! Is he one of my agents? Of course not - he wouldn't have a suit!
Ralph Nader: I think we're in a real transition period here,
that gives us a real opportunity. Do you know what I mean?
Rob Lowe: Oh . . . oh, of course . . .
Ralph Nader: Government by and for the people? Now it's
government by and for big corporations.
[Rob glances away from Ralph]
Rob Lowe's Inner Voice: Is that a mirror? Why, yes, it is! Hello, handsome! [Ralph
is still rambling] I have to get out of this conversation.
Rob Lowe: [interrupting] You know . . . [holds up bare arm] . . . look
at the time. I should really be going.
Ralph Nader: But . . . you're not wearing a watch. [Rob laughs] As I was
saying . . .
Rob Lowe's Inner Voice: Damn, this guy is good. Maybe I'll give him a little
treat.
Rob Lowe: [interrupting] Hey! you know something? I gotta tell you - I work on the show,
and . . . the other day we're all sitting around, and Martin Sheen . . .
[slow zoom to Ralph's face]
Ralph Nader's Inner Voice: Look at him - he's high! I should bring up my position on the
decriminalization of weed. That would get his vote!
What do I care? I'm Ralph Nader! I'm going to be the next President of the
United States! Those big corporations aren't going to know what hit 'em! 'Cause
I don't take bribes like the Republicans or the Democrats. My price is way higher.
They don't call it the Green Party for nothing! [laughs]
[a pair of security guards jump in grabs Rob and Ralph]
Security Guard: Alright, let's go!
Lorne Michaels: [interceding] No, no, no, no! Not the handsome guy - the
other guy.
Ralph Nader: [being dragged away] Lorne! Lorne!
Lorne Michaels: Sorry, Ralph.
Rob Lowe: Oh! It's Ralph Nader!
Lorne Michaels: Right. Uh . . . you should get changed. Come on.
[Rob and Lorne exit in opposite directions - fade to black]
Rob as Shaggy
With Scooby Doo
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Pros & Cons
Nancy Grace.....Ana Gasteyer
Mark Fassbinder.....Chris Parnell
Shaggy.....Rob Lowe
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Nancy Grace: Welcome back to "Pros & Cons". I'm Nancy Grace. Today: what happens
when ordinary citizens take the laws into their own hands? Is it justice in a world of
corrupt law enforcement, or simply anarchy? Here to discuss the issue, live from Raiford
State Prison in Florida, are my first guests - David Montgomery, and his
attorney Mark Fassbinder.
[show David and Mark sitting glumly in a jail cell]
Mark Fassbinder: Thank you, Nancy.
Nancy Grace: On the surface, Mr. Montgomery's
crime seems all too familiar - a desperate man, down
on his luck, discovers a broken-down amusement park is built on top of some
pirate treasure . . . so he tries to scare people away from it by dressing up like a
ghost. An old, old story. But this time, there is a bizarre twist. His "alleged"
crime was discovered by a group of amateur detectives. Two of them are here with
me now. Please welcome Scooby Doo, and his associate Warren "Shaggy" Shagowski.
[cut to a creepy, night setting with Rob Lowe dressed as Shaggy and a hideous puppet
version of Scooby Doo at his side]
Shaggy: Like, wow! We're thrilled to be here!
Nancy Grace: Mr. Shagowski, Mr. Doo. We'll start with you. What
made you decide to take the law into your own hands?
Shaggy: Well, one day, me and Scoob and the gang, we're sitting
around the malt shop, when we decided the law's gone soft on all the dirtbags
who get their jollies dressing up as apemen or glowing deep sea divers!
Scooby Doo: Yeah. Dirtbags! Hee-hee hee-hee-hee-hee!
Mark Fassbinder: Well, that's if Mr. Shaggowski can pass himself off as a
"champion" of law and order. But the truth is that this man and his dog -
not to mention, another member of their gang - a smaller, scrappier dog - all have an
extensive criminal record!
Scooby Doo: That's a rie!
Mark Fassbinder: I have the evidence right
here, Mr. Doo! Prior convinctions include 4 counts of meddling, 12 counts of
meddling in the second degree, 2 counts of vehicular meddling, meddling across
state lines, and last, but certainly not least, sodomy! I'm sorry . . .
I misread that . . . it's "meddling", I apologize.
Shaggy: Well, zoinks! Honestly! Zoinks you in the
ass! We're the ones putting our gonads on the line! We're
the ones dressing up as Italian barbers, pretending to give fake monsters haircuts!
Mark Fassbinder: It's all an act, Nancy! He'd
have us believe that he puts himself at risk! That sometimes he's so scared,
he tries to run away, and can only float in mid-air
running in place. But the truth is that he and his friends actively go out
looking for trouble!
Shaggy: Like, we're not asking to get
flat tires outside of spooky castles, man! It just happens!
Mark Fassbinder: Please! You're a degenerate! You know, Nancy, I once saw this
man take two stacks of coldcuts, shuffle them like a deck of
cards, then ate the entire thing!
Shaggy: Like, look . . . the sentences handed out to fake ghosts and werewolves
are far too lenient!
Nancy Grace: Well, what would you suggest is
appropriate punishment?
Scooby Doo: Reath renalty!
Nancy Grace: You're honestly
advocating the reath renalty? Wow. Strong words. Strong, poorly pronounced words
from a large dog.
Shaggy: Hey, lady! Like, I
thought this was America? I don't want to live in a country where four hippies
and a talking dog can't have the freedom to catch fake ghosts with the
occasional help of Phyllis Diller or te Harlem Globetrotters! That's my America!
And while you may not agree with my opinion,
you're not gonna change it!
Mark Fassbinder: [touched] Wow. Like, zoinks, I . . . I didn't know
you felt that way. But . . . would you consider compromising your ethics . . .
[reaches down] . . . for a Scooby Snack? [holds up box]
Shaggy: [excited] Like, wow! A Scooby Snack!
Scooby Doo: Yeah! Yeah! Hee-hee hee-hee-hee-hee!
Nancy Grace: That's about all the time we have. Please join us next week when we
examine the conflict of victims' rights in the theft of pic-a-nic
baskets.
[fade to black]
Dateline Pre-Tapes
Stone Phillips.....Rob Lowe
Director.....Will Ferrell
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Rob as Stone Phillips
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[roll opening footage]
Announcer: From our studios in New York, Stone Phillips.
Stone Phillips: Good evening. A baby goes
into the water. A mother asleep on a towel. What would you do? Here's Carl
Leggert.
Director: Great Stone, just great,
you nailed it. You good with that one?
Stone Phillips: Yeah, I think so.
Announcer: OK, that's a bye, moving on, let's do the trampoline intro!
[roll opening footage]
Announcer: From our studios in New York, Stone Phillips.
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The trampoline . . . children's play
toy or vicious backyard killer? Here's Melissa Tompkin.
Director: Great!
Stone Phillips: Can I do that one again?
Director: OK, do it again.
[roll opening footage]
Announcer: From our studios in New York, Stone Phillips.
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The trampoline . . .
children's play toy or vicious backyard killer? Here's Melissa Tompkin.
Director: Perfect! Perfect . . .
Stone Phillips: One more . . .
Director: Sure, one more.
[roll opening footage]
Announcer: From our studios in New York, Stone Phillips.
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The trampoline . . .
children's play toy or vicious backyard killer? Here's Melissa Tompkin.
Director: Excellent, that was perfect.
Stone Phillips: That was good.
Director: Yeah, pretty good.
Stone Phillips: I really felt I nailed it. Did you feel I nailed
it?
Director: Yes, yes, I did.
Stone Phillips: But I think I could do it better.
Director: You got it.
[roll opening footage]
Announcer: From our studios in New York, Stone Phillips.
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The
trampoline . . . children's play toy or vicious backyard killer . . . Hang on!
Shouldn't it be "unbelievably vicious backyard killer?"
Director: Yes, it should... here we go.
[roll opening footage]
Announcer: From our studios in New York, Stone Phillips.
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The
trampoline . . . children's play toy or an unbelievably vicious backyard killer?
Here's Melissa Tompkin.
Director: Perfect!
I'm not just sayin' that.
Stone Phillips: I
think "unbelievably" might be a little too bit
powerful . . .
Director: Right, right again, always right. You know what, let's
not do the video roll in, let's do three in a row.
Stone Phillips: OK.
Director: Three in a row, real quick.
Stone Phillips: [Hesitates] Am I waiting for the V/O?
Director: Nuh uh, nope. And . . . go!
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The trampoline . . . children's play
toy or vicious backyard killer? Here's Melissa Tompkin, Good evening. The
trampoline . . . children's play toy or vicious backyard killer? Here's Melissa
Tompkin, Good evening. The trampoline . . . children's play toy or vicious backyard
killer? Here's Melissa Tompkin.
Director: I think we got it. Wow! That was good!
Stone Phillips: Two more.
Director: OK, two more . . . [ to an off-camera crew member ] DON'T ROLL THAT CABLE UP, GARY! PUT THE CABLE BACK! TWO MORE!
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The trampoline . . . children's play toy or vicious
backyard killer? Here's Melissa Tompkin.
Director: Nice, very nice. Wow, very heavy.
Stone Phillips: I think I felt it here. [points to his chest]
Director: Are you kidding?
Stone Phillips: Yes.
Director: It's fun to see.
Stone Phillips: That Melissa Tompkin is getting a lot of stories!
Director: She certainly is. Listen, let's do
Tuesday. You need a coffee, Stone?
Stone Phillips: No. Wait - Yes.
Director: Stone needs a coffee. Dateline Monday's a wrap. Moving on to
Dateline Tuesday . . . Good promo, everybody!
[fade to black]
Good-Night
Ralph Nader, Rob,
Brendan Fraser, and Eminem
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Rob Lowe: Thanks to Eminem . . . Ralph Nader . . . Brendan Fraser!
Dido! And Tim Meadows! God bless you.
I love you, Matthew and JohnOwen!
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Return To Index
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